So I'm going to follow Trudi's advice on this one. I don't know who Trudi is, but maybe she's right. I need to vent. I need to confess. And I need to forgive myself. Because last night, a decision I made left Becca terribly ill.
I'm having a tough time balancing two of the requirements of my body: a source of food for Becca and the need to regain my old figure and get into shape for the upcoming hike up to Machu Picchu that The Banker and I are planning to take (again). If I work out too vigorously and consume too little (which is easy to do given how dang hectic my days seem to be), I don't produce enough milk for Becca. To boot, she currently suffers from a nasty case of acid reflux--the cause for our earlier emergency room visit and the reason she's now on Prilosec--so in general our evenings can be very rough. Read: much crying, achy tummies, and the rest.
Last night Becca was fussing during a feeding and crying while I tried to burp her--an indication she hadn't enough to eat. Since I had no milk thawed and seemed to be spent myself, I gave her two ounces of ready-made formula, which she'd had during her first couple of weeks to supplement her diet until my milk came in.
Within two hours she was vomiting up the formula. Once those two ounces had been expelled, angry yellow bile bubbled up, even while she slept, racking her poor little frame. We telephoned the on-call doctor and were told to freeze a teaspoon of regular Coca-Cola and give her a teaspoon. Apparently, it has anti-nausea qualities. After that stays down we were to try giving her an ounce or two of Pedialite.
I was less than thrilled to give a three-month-old soda, but the Coke came right back up, along with more bile than you could imagine an infant's stomach could hold. She was limp, exhausted. And it was my fault.
The Banker decided to go with his gut and gave Becca a little syringe worth of Pedialite slowly, slowly over an hour. It stayed down. Then we mixed some of the liquid with breast milk and let her sip on it a little at a time. Finally, success!
We've had three good feedings since last night, but the guilt lingers. This parenting gig is so damn hard. No one ever tells you that your best intentions can have the most disastrous implications. I feel totally out of my league time and time again. How did my parents make this look so easy?
3 comments:
I'm a stranger to you and I sort of blundered into your blog site from the "Magazine Man's" site. But, I've got five little ones of my own (not so little any more ages 10,9,6,5,4). I understand your anxiety and having lived through it wanted to extend a word of comfort and encouragement to you. (Of course, opinions from a stranger can be a pretty risky proposition so take it as you may). First, relax and stop beating yourself up. The baby will be (already is) fine. They are experts at throwing up. They are really good at it right away. Also, they are all pretty susceptible to tummy aches. Many of them still have leaks in thier digestive systems. (Really, our pediatrician told us that when we tried to use some milk based formula. He suggested soy because the stuff that leaked out of the baby's deigestive tract (inside) would be easier on the baby's system). They recover fast, too. They are pretty efficient (albeit helpless) little machines.
As far as being competent to have kids - nobody is ready. We have five kids not a one of them came with any instructions. (I looked and looked). They just give you your baby and send you home from the hospital. (Oh yeah, and they tell you to sleep when the baby sleeps - as if). You will be fine. Another hard won lesson is that the little squirts are all different one from another. They have different likes and dislikes. Different sleeping habits, the whole works. Our third child (still) pukes whenever he has vegetables (or most any food he doesn't like - he threw up at the dentist's this week from the rinse)! The fourth one could eat tupperware. The older ones wake up in thunderstorms, the little ones sleep like drunken sailors. But in some ways they are alike. We have learned (the hard way) over the years that they are incredibly resilient, they forgive and forget wrongs immediately, and they don't remember yesterday (especially before they are 3 or 4).
The reason it looked so easy for your parents is you don't have any memory of your parents when you were an infant. It's a rarity when a new baby isn't a big challenge and a big shock.
Your love for you baby is evident. So, let your love be your guide. When you have a question call the doc, or a trusted friend or your Mom (if she's available to you - alas, mine is not). Get your questions answered - and don;t let yourself feel bad about asking them. While they are little (and for as long as you can after they're lttle) hold 'em a lot, kiss 'em and hug 'em and dance with 'em and tickle 'em and play with them. Delight in them, they are precious. Sing to them, laught with them, correct them (not while they're babies) let 'em know you're there for 'em. And, have some peace. There is a line in the new testament that reads "love covers a multitude of sins". (Making a "mistake" feeding your baby isn't a sin - but you get the idea. Love 'em, do your best, be at peace. It's what we we're all about.
Mike Z--
Thank you for your incredibly kind words and vote of confidence. You have no idea how reassuring it is to hear that even after five kids (a pro at this parenting thing by anyone's standards!), it's still a learning process each time. You've made this new mom feel more than a little better at a time when she really needed it--thank you.
You're welcome. It was my pleasure. Keep lovin' her!
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