I typically take most of what The Banker’s family has to say with a rather large grain of salt. While I care for each and every one of them, I don’t have a great deal in common with most of his family members. (For that matter, often neither does The Banker!)
So when The Banker’s older brother insinuated in an e-mail that we were selfish parents, I initially brushed the comment off. After all, he’s an annoying, talkative know-it-all, whose wife dresses him funny and won’t let him have a dog.
But somehow the jibe rooted into some corner of my brain and it’s begun to ferment, growing in acidity and becoming harder and harder to ignore. I’ve tried to be many things in my short tenure as a parent, but selfish sure as hell isn’t one of them. It’s an insult that cuts to the heart of most any parent—that they put their own well being before that of their child.
The source of the comment was The Banker and my pending vacation to hike up to Machu Picchu. With the recent earthquake in Peru, The Banker’s family is in an uproar. (For the record, they are disdainful of foreign countries, most notably ones that don’t speak English or reside in the “safety” of Europe.)
The trip is only a shadow of the adventure we’d planned before I’d discovered I was pregnant, but I cannot express how much I’m looking forward to this excursion. It will be a breathe of fresh air, offering beautiful sights, a peek into an entirely different culture, not to mention some much-needed time for just The Banker and me. Becoming parents, while incredibly rewarding, is also hard on a marriage—it’s sometimes exhausting and isolating. (Why people would ever have children to “save” a marriage is beyond me! The lack of sleep, private time, quality communication, and more can take a toll.) But now I’m saddled with the idea that this trip, with its small, small “dangers,” qualifies me as selfish.
I made the hard decision to give up working (short of special projects and freelance writing), to spend every day with my daughter, raising her myself and trying not to let the monotony drive me mad. With only one income, we’ve learned to live on a much tighter budget. The occasional treats I granted myself (facials, horseback riding), are now a distant memory. Not feeling that 10 months was long enough to give up my body, I’ve spent an additional six months nursing Becca—a good portion of that going lactose-free. I try to put only the healthiest of foods in my body and hers, try to provide a home that’s safe, clean, inviting, fun, and friendly.
But it’s not enough. The Banker and I have been labeled as selfish parents, and while part of me thinks this is just damn ridiculous, the other part of me wonders if maybe there’s some truth to that insult.
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3 comments:
Don't spend any more time worrying about that comment. You are definitely NOT a selfish parent.
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There are certain accusations against which we have almost no defense. They all fall into the category of "you don't love enough". There are times when such a comment is accurate and at those times they are words of life because something in us says gently, "you know, that's right". THen those words allow us rise up, be better and love more. There are other times, however, when they are just stones being thrown. Of course we don't love enough - how coudl anyone ever love enough? I could always love a little more, right?
But, sometimes those stones hurt because we can't tell whether the comment was true or mean.
In this case, there it doesn't seem to me that there is an objective answer. So, I thought I might offer an opinion. First, I'm guessing that your brother in law doesn't have children. Because any husband worth hs salt - who is a father - should know that you NEVER accuse the mother of small children of being selfish. It is an objectively ridiculous assertion. There is enough accustaion and self condemnation in the life of a new mother to sink a battleship. Throwing a comment at you like that reads more to me like envy than love.
Second, the best thing that parents can do for their children is love one another. Take care of the marriage first. The obvious (and onminpresent) needs of the children will make themselves known. Parents who love each other will always, absolutely care for their children - they won't be able to help themselves. Love is incredibly creative and generative. You can't not love what is such a part of you. But the relationship of love from which the children spring has to be attended to. The individuals who pledged their love and futures to one another have to keep building up that relationship. It is marriage on which the family is founded. (I have a very wise friend who has taken impeccable care of his wife and family for 50 years we just had a big celebration put on by his children who counsels that parents try to take a weekend alone every quarter.)
So, take care of the banker and let him take care of you and keep growing in love for one another - if that means taking vacations without the child(ren) once in a while - then that's what you do. (And snide comments from brothers-in-law are to be ignored).
Thank you both for your votes of confidence. And Mike, can I just say that this: "There is enough accustaion and self condemnation in the life of a new mother to sink a battleship" perfectly captured how I've been feeling in this Mommy War? Thank you!!
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