It seems that this period of time is marked by struggle--some I've discussed and some I'm keeping to myself. And among those various battles is the struggle to achieve some semblance of balance between family, work, myself, my dreams, and the scorching truth of reality. Tough stuff, this. But as I'm peering down the barrel of this weekend, the family struggle is one I'm feeling most acutely.
My parents have no relatives here in town, so while I was growing up it was just us three girls and Mom and Dad. My dad's parents would come into town for Christmas, but more or less, we didn't have to "share" holidays with anyone. Worked out quite nicely, truth be told. To some this would seem a terrible shame. After all, where were the grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins? But to be honest, most of these people weren't necessarily missed. I've little in common with my cousins, so most interactions with them was (and is) marked by awkwardness. And my parents are drastically different than their respective siblings. Visits are more often a testament to the virtue of patience than love.
So it's been very difficult for me to adapt to the way The Banker's family functions. Both sides of my husband's family bred. A LOT. And short of three cousins (out of over 30, mind you), none have dared venture outside the state. And regardless of whether they truly like each other, family comes first. So any given baptism, graduation, birthday, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Fourth of July, St. Patrick's Day, Christmas, Easter, or general sneeze is warrant for the mass descent of family members. Folks, it's not unusual for full family parties to number over 100 (should both sides attend). It's a mass of confusion, a small roar of conversation, a muddle of hugs, too many names to remember (even for The Banker), and a bunch of sub-par food. And it's a lot to handle for a girl accustomed to intimate gatherings. (How it makes me miss our Chicago days when we were free from all the tedious hometown hoopla!)
But we also have my side of the family: my parents, Sister #2, who now lives in town, and the occasional presence of Sister #1, who remains out-of-town. So add their small numbers with The Banker's family, and it's a lot of people to keep up with.
Having never shared my holidays before, I was unaccustomed to the frantic schedule comparisons and manic driving between functions on days of import, such as this weekend's Mother's Day. It doesn't help matters that The Banker's family are last-minute planners. What was traditionally a Mother's Day brunch was changed to a possible dinner, then back again. My adaptive family made plans for a dinner gathering. Now The Banker's sister wants to move their plans, again, to a dinner.
And me? I'm just damn tired. Tired of never having a holiday my way. Tired of too many people with feelings that have a tendency to get hurt. Tired that, even now, in my second year of motherhood, there is no time for our own family traditions. Just exhausted that I don't know how to draw the line, come what may. How's that for a whiney, self-serving post?
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3 comments:
Kat, It doesn't sound too whiny but it does sound tired. Here's a mild suggestion - set a date with you husband, get someone to watch your daughter. Go out for dinner early and find a place where you two can talk. Talk about holidays ans see if you can come up with a long term approach to holidays and families. You may have to adjust what you expect for the very day of the holiday itself - but you can still build really wonderful family (nuclear family) traditions around the larger family commitments. We have 5 small (well, not so small anymore) kids. They range from 12 to 6 in age. A long time ago we started spreading Christmas across several days. We put the presents under the tree and hang stockings on Christamas eve. In the morning, the kids open thier stockings and one gift from under the tree. We almost always ahve some of my wife's family staying with us and many more come for dinner (so I end up working most of Christmas day - I love the morning, survive the afternoon). We exchange gifts after dinner with the larger family in a chaotic manner (which would drive me crazy if I weren't expecting it). BUT, for the next two or three days we open a gift together inthe morning and afternoon or evening. We have been able to keep Christams calm, centered on whose birthday it really is, and focussed on our family together - even though the day itself is a mad house of guests and such.
We haven't really been able to get Thanksgiving dialed in yet, but we're working on it. We usually host dinner and this past year there were 24 or so people to a sit down dinner. But, I think that the secret to a great Tahnksgiving is getting the Friday that follow right!
- just some thought from the cheering section. Your daughter sure is beautiful!
Mike Z--You're exactly right. A night out to relax and regroup was required. The Banker and I went to a favorite restaurant Friday night for some yummy pad thai and martinis. Except when the martini hit my stomach, I felt as if I'd swallowed bleach. Yup, an ulcer, which I haven't seen since the stressful days of journalism school, has returned. Guess I'm not handling all the chaos as well as I'd thought!
Holidays and gatherings once married are always a source of stress! I so can commisserate on this joining of traditions that causes us so much stress and usually a few arguments...
As I type this I am dreading Christmas already. Fortunately for us that is the only holiday that causes a lot of angst on a regular basis, but still...and this year we will have another baby that both families will want to see! Yikes...I guess eventually it will be about our traditions, but for now, we work on someone else's schedule!
I wish you luck with all future holidays, and get that ulcer taken care of...drinking usually helps me deal with the holiday hooplah...and you can't drink if you have an ulcer...lol
Melissa
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