Sunday, June 21, 2009

In Which I'm the Bad Guy

Okay. I need some perspective. Because tonight? It sucked. And there were words exchanged between The Banker and me, and I'm wondering if maybe I was out of line.

Tonight we met The Banker's family at a local bar for Father's Day celebrations. Okay, bar/restaurant, but mostly just bar. (But, hey! No smoking there now, so that's a win, right?) They reserved the back room to accommodate the 11 adults and three children. Among the children was Becca's cousin, whom she adores. What this 4-year-old does, Becca mimics. It's natural and can occasionally be adorable. Yet at other times, it's a serious annoyance.

For starters, the boy refused to sit in his seat while we waited for dinner. But hey, they're kids, and we had the back room, so we let the little ones play around. But when said boy started slamming his hands onto his face and Becca followed suit? I told her not to hit herself. Because that's just stupid. Then the 4-year-old started bouncing on the booths. Becca thought this was GREAT fun. Again, I was the bad guy and told her that's not the way we treat furniture. Brother- and sister-in-law don't reprimand their boy. At all.

But the volume is escalating and their conversations suffering, so sister-in-law pulls out their portable DVD player. It's often pulled out at family meals to entertain the boy. It makes me inwardly shudder, but whatever. Needless to say, we don't own one, and so Becca is drawn to the screen like a moth to the flame. "We're going to watch Transformers!" the boy exclaims to Becca.

Wait. Transformers? As in the PG-13 movie? To be viewed by a 4-year-old and my 2-year-old?

Why, yes. The very same.

I respond, "I don't think Becca needs to watch that. It would probably scare the crap out of her."

Sister-in-law responds, "Oh, we watched it before letting the boy see it. There's not a lot of scary violence. And it's robot violence, not people violence, which is where I draw the line. Becca will be fine."

The Banker says nothing, effectively, in my view, hanging me out to dry. I now get to play the role of Overprotective Parent. Because I don't want my daughter to see Megan Fox's ample cleavage, scary, car-crushing robots, and men with guns. [Full disclosure: I feel a bit icky when Becca even plays with toy guns (water or otherwise) while at my in-laws. My uncle and the family he was employed by were slaughtered by a psychopath who got a hold of such weapons. So, I have a right to be squeamish. But for the most part, I stay quiet. We don't own guns, toy or otherwise, but I don't force my beliefs on others.] Even with my gun hang-up aside, I still don't think the movie is suitable viewing for such little ones.

There was, it felt, like no possible win. I couldn't call my sister-in-law out on the movie without drawing her parenting skills into question. This family is sensitive. So I do my best to distract Becca from the screen. When dinner arrives, thankfully the player is put away. The boy sits for three minutes, eats a few french fries, and gets down to run amuck again. Becca wants so much to join her cousin, but I demand she at least eat part of a grilled cheese first. She does so, grudgingly, and then flies to her cousin's side, to no doubt pick up more delightful habits.

Then to cap the stellar evening, someone pulls a cake out for another brother-in-law, whose birthday landed on this fateful day. The ice cream cake has peanut butter cups--a treat Becca can't yet enjoy for fear of a deadly peanut allergy. The pediatrician wants us to wait until she's 3 for proper testing. Explaining to her why she can't have the ice cream, carving out the cake portion to let her have instead...it was all so painful. So exhausting. So frustrating.

The Banker is defensive about his family's gathering. However, I take issue with the position it forces me into. I don't want to be Overprotective Parent. But I also don't want my daughter picking up on terrible habits that would never, ever, ever fly in our household. (And she's also only 2, so she doesn't understand that what works in one situation--a la such a family gathering--is not acceptable anywhere else. This muddies the water, confusing her.) And I don't think I should be backed into a corner, without support, while another family member tries to convince me that a movie for those 13 and above is somehow appropriate viewing for toddlers and preschoolers. Thoughts?

1 comment:

Mike Z said...

Kat,

That is a really tough spot. My advice is - on the spot - be the overprotective parent. You are going to make a lot of "mistakes" during the course of Becca's life, we all do. (And believe me, I've made more thatn m share). But when your gut tells you something about your child's situation is not right, you've got to follow that instinct. No one else is in the position you are - you are MOM. Becca only has one Mom. No one else will have the same care, concern, insight or responsibility for Becca that you do. Your husband, likewise, will have a unique set of cares, concerns, understandings and responsibilites for Becca. But when either of you has that parental "alarm" go off, you;ve got to act on it. It might be really tough on the spot, especially if you haven't takied about this sort of thing as a couple. But on the spot, get your child into a "safe" situation - one in which you are comfortable.

Then, in a calmer moment, alone, get settled with your husband how the two of you want to handle these very situations. Talk about them in as much speficity as you can. Come to an agreement about it, even if you can't come to be of one mind. Then you will be much better armed - and you will not be alone when the relatives or neighbor's kids or whoever opens up a pandora's box for your daughter to play in.

That's my advice. Please remember that advice is free - and you usually get what you pay for.

But my bottom line is - I have been entrusted with the care of these precious children and that is a sacred trust. I ain;t gonna be perfect - but I'm not gong to put my kids in harms way, just because someone else thinks its "okay". Transformers for a 5 year old is probably worse than transformers for a 2 year old. n some cases, the more you undersatnd the worse the effect.

Parent on!!!

Cheering from the cheap seats,
Mike